It was a fine Friday in the month of June, 2015. I came back from work and had a few phone calls. These calls were with people of different age groups. different viewpoints and different tastes. Yet, one thing stood out that day. My decision to move to Delhi for work was discussed in all of these calls. 

I moved to Delhi in November, 2014 after spending initial four years of my career at Hyderabad. It was a decision based on irresistible remuneration and work opportunity promised by my new firm. I grew up in Delhi, I admired it with all its imperfections. Hence, I had absolutely no problem in accepting a job opportunity here given the pay I was offered. Once I moved here, I felt disconnected with the city and its people. While I was trying to adapt, I do admit that I started to doubt my decision to move here. People I talked to kept on asking if I was happy to be here. Firstly, I was unsure about it. And later, I started to deny the fact that something was perhaps wrong. After all, it was my decision to come here and I was getting a healthy pay.

Fast forward to the aforementioned Friday, and this discussion was all over me. A part of me kept asking if I made a right decision. The other part of me kept convincing that it was a right decision. I was edgy, a bit spent and irritated. I wanted to talk about it with people closest to me. However, they were occupied with unavoidable events of their lives. By the time they were available, I transformed. I convinced myself that I was right. A part of me was surprisingly very angry with those very few people who were not available to listen to me. I did call some of them when I wanted to yell it all out, only to find myself not being able to do so. I disconnected myself from everyone and put on a spectacular mask in front of my parents and siblings. I became different - arrogant, annoying, impatient and vulnerable. Couple of people figured it out, they knew me long enough! Yet for some reasons, they never asked why I was unhappy. Instead they kept telling me that I was unhappy. Throw in some reasonably annoying life events and discussions and it was the beginning of a phase of life which I'll never forget no matter how hard I try.

Lack of confidence makes you too sensitive. You start to question things that you would never do in a healthy state. I was susceptible. I was anxious. People close to me had opinions and as usual I valued it, but I also started to feel that my opinion and my presence had almost no significance in their life. Disappointed and hurt, I started reacting. I'd argue on small things. I'd yell for no real reason. I'd crave for that moment when I mattered. It did feel wrong initially. But, it gradually normalised. They say that when you are hurting, a lie that you uncover can put a question mark on thousands of truth. As it happened, I uncovered a couple of  unintended / intended lies, one just too trivial, but it was enough to push me off the rails. There I was, moving rather fast - from sensitive to retraction to a rebuttal state. It was a state when deep down I wanted help but I was not ready to ask for it - worried about denial and unacceptability. Needless to say, it started to take a toll on me - physically, mentally and professionally.

As time passed by, I tried to course correct. However, I had pushed people too far away - good on some front, not so good on others. My attempts to reconcile with a select few were futile. Replies were either silent or indifferently vocal. Agony of being a jerk of late and the pain of losing certain people brought me to a state where I was unsure of things. Me having to catch up with my work was another kick on the butt. Amidst all this I happened to meet a doctor who made it all the more miserable with the terms - bipolar, psychotic and atypical depression.

As new year started, I started to think about making progress in this regard. I started to mingle with people. I missed the ones who went away, so I worked extra hours - 24, 36 and at times 70 hours. I wanted myself to be tired in order to sleep easily. It helped somewhat. All these hours of work did bring an upward curve in my work profile. However, in reality I was struggling. I was tired and messed up. To do away with all this, I took a break to pamper and fix the broken self. I also got some support from unexpected quarters and it helped greatly.

In the hindsight, it was so unlike me! When I look back at this phase, I feel that it was totally avoidable had I been proactive and rightly vocal. Ironically, it started with "nothing" and kept becaming exponentially bigger with each small event. There are some lessons hidden into it. Essence of seeking help at the right time, communication and not confrontation, addressing a doubt and not denying it absolutely, handling sadness - these are some of the lessons. But the biggest take away of all this is that it is us who decide the mood of our life - happy or sad. It is a philosopher's common sense; I learnt it the hard way.

As far as I am concerned, I still am not what I was. For there are many scars, I may never be the same. However, I am fine. I talk, socialize and celebrate. I feel happy and there is no idiotic vulnerability. I do apologize to the people I disappointed and offended during this time. I really want to be with them again with the promise that I have learnt my lessons, however it is for them to take time and decide if I really deserve it. In the meantime, I must live my life and do what I do best - smile, be silly and write.